The Courage to be Imperfect

Disclaimer: This blog post is kind of all over the place. But that’s okay. Enjoy…

i’m working on allowing myself to not be perfect. i’ve never considered myself a perfectionist, but i’ve been told (and now admit) that i have a strong need to control. This need for control, for making sure everything is perfect keeps me very hesitant to doing new things, out of fear that i won’t do it right, that i’ll mess up, that i’ll make a fool out of myself. i have a problem being vulnerable. do i see it as a weakness? probably. yeah. i dont like being weak. i dont have time to be weak. along with my own journey, my own demons, i have two young black daughters to raise in a world that sets out every day to tell my girls that they have no worth. I have to have my sh*t together for all of us. So weakness, and therefore vulnerability, is unacceptable in my world, as a mother, and as a woman *pops collar and straightens cape*. These are the thoughts that pass through my mind when i’m dealing with trying to embrace my vulnerability, my imperfections. it’s hard for me to open myself up to the possibility of ridicule. i dont know if it comes from my childhood and wanting everything to be perfect now because they were so f*cked up back then, or what.  I keep saying I’m not a perfectionist because perfectionists aren’t perfect, and I want to paint a perfect picture so I can’t be a perfectionist *did that make you dizzy? it kind of made me dizzy* …

Earlier this year, I participated in a production of the Vagina Monologues, and it was one of the most exciting yet scariest things i’ve done in a while. i’m all for white-water rafting, zip-lining and adrenaline-rush activities that could very well lead to my death, but when it comes to performing in front of an audience, opening myself up to be seen and heard, all that Leo bravado that I’m supposed to have hides around the corner and peeks out. But, I did it.  I messed up some, and I dont think anyone noticed. But after it was all said and done, I didn’t care. I only cared that I did it even though I was scared. I was proud of myself for not running away and giving up (which I considered several times). Instead, I embraced my vulnerability, my fear of being imperfect and took it on stage with me.

Brené Brown, who I now call my virtual therapist, has a famous video of her TED talk on vulnerability, and another on shame. She talks about how being vulnerable is necessary to living a complete, whole-hearted life. i absolutely love her talk (and now i love her), and i’ve posted it here. it’s a good 20 minutes long, but it’s so worth the watch and listen. Make the time; it could change your life.