The world is a better place when you allow yourself to love freely, with no restrictions. With no fear of pain or betrayal. Let love flow unfiltered.
A great majority of the past year and a half have been spent in emotional numbness, denial and self-absorption. Love’s hangover. I don’t regret any of it, nor would I change any of it, because it is part of the healing process, but recently I have felt a large weight lifted, and I have seen myself return to myself. I became intent on being open and loving because I recognize that it allows me to bring this woman, this spirit of mine that I had locked away, back to the surface so she can breathe. So we can breathe. The “Coldest Winter Ever” mask that I wore for the past 18 months or so was giving me frostbite, and was becoming harder to pull off. I used to say I have a heart of gold encased in steel, covered in barbed wire. But over time, the barbed wire fell off, the steel rusted away and the gold started to peek through. People were finding it hard to believe that I’m a thug and I don’t luh dem hoes.
But yall wrong: I am a thug. A thug for love, baby. I often chastise myself because though I sign lots of petitions, share knowledge and I love a good boycott (f*ck homophobic chicken), I don’t join picket lines. I don’t call my senator or governor to demand they stop whatever corporate activity is going to destroy the earth. I don’t join protests, and other than the occasional, I don’t go to rallies or marches. I’m all about queer black women’s empowerment, but you won’t find me penning scholarly articles about the marginalization of our people. All those things are necessary to create a better world for our children to live in, and I’m so glad and grateful that there are people out there that do just that. But for a long time, not being one of those people bothered me – specifically because my undergrad and graduate experiences were focused on exactly that.
Because of this, I’m always thinking about how I can contribute. How I can change the world through the things I’m most passionate about. Besides my writing and music, I’m most in tune with spirituality and simply being a loving individual. For a long time, I didn’t think it was enough. But reading the works of bell hooks, Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Eckhart Tolle and Don Miguel Ruiz helped me to understand that my hopeful heart has a very significant place in the struggle to balance Light and Dark.
I had to acknowledge the fact that when I allow myself to really love someone, to plant seeds of holistic soul-work, nurturing and Light, it changes me, it changes the person, and it changes the world. Love is a radical act.
Loving and caring for someone, welcoming them into your home and insisting that they embrace it as their own is a contribution to the revolution. In a world where love is seen as a weakness, something to be taken advantage of, and hate, oppression, stomping on the weak and downright fuckery is the order of the day, to love with no expectation, no hesitation, no borders – just because – is revolutionary.
Loving freely also forces me to deal with my shit. Because with free love there are no obligations or ulterior motives, I am constantly working on loving beyond my issues: abandonment, fears of not being good enough, fears of revealing and exposing myself to the risk of pain and betrayal, and so on. I admit that the vulnerability, taking the risk is scary as hell, but it also gives me a rush. It reminds me that I am alive, and forces me to feel the purest, rawest of my emotions without distraction. I live in the moment of love to encounter my Goddess-self.
And that is why I do the things that I do. I do it for you, I do it for me, I do it for my girls, and I do it for the struggle.