Thankful for the Darkness

I couldn’t think of anything to write today, so I started going through my journal, looking for something I had written in the past. I tell my journal everything. I’ve had it since 2002, so a good 10 years. As I skimmed my earlier entries, I found myself transported back into a time in my life where I was filled with self-hate, low self-esteem and downright nihilism. I dealt with depression, suicidal thoughts, internal conflicts about being a mother. I didn’t feel worthy of love. I actually wrote that someone was better than I am and had no reason to love me…Wow.

I have come a loooong way since then. I don’t really know what did it; I can’t name a specific incident or person that awakened me to the beauty that is me. When I think about it, it was a community of people, a collection of incidents, just life itself. I’m actually thankful for those dark times. It tested my fortitude. I know that I’m strong enough to handle what life throws at me. I’m thankful that I didn’t give in to my suicidal tendencies. I’m thankful that I allowed life to play out. I’m thankful that I’ve grown and that I continue to grow. I know many people my age and older who have not gotten out of that dark, depressing well of self-hate. Some people say I can be a little too sure of myself. Hell yeah. After I’ve been where I’ve been, I’d be a fool not to know how amazing I am.

I still get the blues sometimes. I get down. I retreat into my cave. But never to the depths that I was back then. I’m glad I keep my journal; when I was younger I would throw them away. I can only imagine what I’d find if I read my entries from middle and high school (the torturous years). I wish I’d kept them, at least to give to my daughter to show her that everyone goes through it, but the point is to come through it.

I don’t write in my journal as much as I used to. As I’ve said in a previous post, I’m a lot busier than I used to be 2,3 years ago. But I definitely plan to make more time for it, and other things that aid in my blossoming. Writing has saved my life.

Blog By Nitra